1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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