i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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