At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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