The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
