what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
