you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
