every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
