i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
