I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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