I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
