Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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