you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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