Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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