Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
