I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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