I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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