I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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