Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
