I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
barbara walters just said penis...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
