i think my tv is drunk
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
