Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
