The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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