i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
