im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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