the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
