You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
please come you make the beer taste better
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Im part way to drunk.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
