If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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