His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
