there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
