i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
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my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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