I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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