On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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