i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
