I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
