Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
