Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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