please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The best revenge is premature balding
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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