I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
