Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
