Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
