My room smells like vodka and shame
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
