You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
