Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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