Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
