even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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