Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
