sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
