Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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