I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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