So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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