Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
