i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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