I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So squirting runs in the family.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
