Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
