She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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