I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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