I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
