I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize