I am spending my child support on dildos
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
