i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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