Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
