I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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