If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
