i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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