you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
