okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
