My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i came on her dog
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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